This is Me: Before I Helped Others, I Fought for my Own Life

EP107-This Is Me

Erin: You're listening to after the tones drop. The mental health podcast for first responders.

Cinnamon: We're your hosts. I'm Cinnamon, a first responder trauma therapist. 

Erin: And I'm Erin. A first responder integration coach.

Cinnamon: Our show brings you stories from real first responders, the tools they've learned, and the lives they now get to live. 

Erin: [00:00:00] Hey, welcome back to after the Tones drop. we came off a whirlwind day at our 2025 Tactical Tools for Thriving First Responder Mental Health Symposium, and it was really cool. We got to do a lot of connecting, a lot of sharing. There was a lot of people whose hearts got cracked wide open, who really felt like there was some real healing done.

And I think that I could say the same for myself. Like I think that I had some opportunities to learn more about myself and feel like the experiences I've had in my life do matter and can make a difference in this space. it's easy to get caught up in this story that, well, I'm not a responder, and are these people gonna take me seriously?

And how can I communicate in a way that they understand that none of that is really relevant because we're all part [00:01:00] of this human experience and the way that we cope and the way that we handle things and the way that our body reacts to stress and so on and so forth. And it's letting go of that idea that we have to fit in some kind of box in order for us to relate to each other, because that is just flat out bullshit, honestly.

And something that struck me was in conversation with a friend of mine who knew that I did not drink alcohol, and I know that Cinnamon and I talk about it. A lot like reference it, right? Reference the fact that we're in recovery, reference the fact that we, um, don't drink anymore. But it didn't occur to me until this friend mentioned it that not everybody knows what recovery is, like, what that means to be part of a 12 step program, so on and so forth.

And then it occurred to me that you all don't really even know us [00:02:00] outside of the little bits and pieces that we, that we share. Um, you know, inside comments,

So. Today I am gonna share in kind of more of a Cliff's Notes version, my story a little bit and hopes that it will help you understand my world. And yes, the purpose of recovery and what that means. Aa, not being a person who drinks alcohol, but also why that is. You know, how I kind of got to this place, and it's not gonna be all the nitty gritty details.

There's definitely things that I would share in, in a different space that I likely won't share today, but I think it'll give you a better understanding of why. You know, we talk a lot about ACEs. We talk a lot about childhood adversity and how that directly affects us in our lives, you know, so. There were a lot of things that happened growing up in my life, including growing up [00:03:00] with two alcoholic parents. Um, so there's Ace one, right? My mother unfortunately passed away from the disease of alcoholism when I was 25 years old. I'm 44. Um, you know, she and I had a very interesting relationship. A lot of it was, she was not available emotionally for me.

She experienced a lot of pain after the death of her mother, and she just never really came back from that. she did the best that she could with the information that she had, but her pain was too deep and it eventually took her out. And her way out was through alcohol and her body shut down. And then we look at my father and my father has been in recovery for like, gosh, 35 ish years.

And the interesting thing is my dad getting sober [00:04:00] was kind of the final straw and the relationship that my parents had. And I grew up in a family where there wasn't a lot of fighting. Like my parents didn't fight with each other. So when I was 10 years old and my parents said they were getting divorced, it was really confusing to me because I was like, uh, there's no fighting.

Everything seems fine, but it wasn't fine behind the scenes, which most of the time, as you know, kids don't know what the heck's going on behind the scenes. 'cause we hide it from them and we don't think our kids can handle it or we don't, you know, want them to know. And, and unfortunately children are very intuitive.

They know when stuff is off. They know when stuff seems a little weird. So. we're not very good at hiding it. But as it turns out, my parents ended up splitting up because my dad got sober and my mom couldn't, and my dad had to choose him. Um, but he grew up with only a single mother after losing his father when he was six months old.

And his life was tricky too. You know, that one parent thing, his mother doing the best that [00:05:00] she could to take care of him, having to work all the time and just not being able to be present in the way that a mother could be. And so my father didn't really know how to be a parent. again, doing the best he could with the information he had at the time.

And I'm gonna tell you something, I came out of the womb. A powerful pain in the ass. Strong-willed, stubborn, um, vocal. You know, but because I grew up in this alcoholic home, because I seem to get punished a lot for my emotions, I really had a hard time with trusting the things that I felt. And I often felt like I was just in the way,  um, especially by my mom.

Like I didn't matter. Like my emotions didn't matter. I felt very alone. I felt just like a fixture a lot. [00:06:00] obviously knowing what I know now as a mother, as an adult, as a recovering alcoholic, that that wasn't the case. It's just. Because of all that pain and numbness, she didn't have the ability to mother me in the way that I needed as a child.

But going back to my dad, you know, when my parents divorced, I decided I wanted to go live with my dad. And the main reason why was because my mother and I had the relationship we had. And quite frankly, I could get away with all kinds of stuff with my dad because there wasn't a lot of consequence. He honestly didn't really know what to do with me, and I thought it worked in my favor because it really didn't, it actually ended up backfiring tremendously because I needed a parent. I needed structure, I needed somebody to teach me right from wrong in a different kind of way than what I [00:07:00] got. when there was punishment, there wasn't a lot of explanation like, here's why this is happening.

Here's why you were being punished, and I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you. And so, gosh, from my early teens, I started to rebel. I, I started to make decisions and behave in a way that a child of that age had no business doing. You know, it was kind of like I was fending for myself. I was fending my, for myself in a world where I didn't even understand the severity of the things that I was doing.

I was a child. Um.

I started getting involved in relationships and situations and hanging out with people that kind of had parents like I did in the sense that they could get away with a lot of stuff. And that's when drinking, that's when [00:08:00] smoking cigarettes. That's when, um, other extracurricular activities began to occur.

And I began to realize how my place as a woman in this world

could be used to my advantage, but could also work against me. And because of that, because of the choices I made, I. Was bullied, we're gonna call it bullied. people weren't very fond of me in high school. I made a poor decision and it ruined everything that I had worked so hard for. When I went into high school, I started out as a, a football cheerleader. I was running around with the quote unquote popular crowd. I thought I was where I wanted to be, and then I made one poor choice and it ruined the rest of my high school career.

And in the sense of people felt like they couldn't trust me, they thought I was a version of myself, that I actually wasn't. And. A [00:09:00] crowd of kids came along and they were the rough kids. Um, some of them were in, gangs and there was a lot of rowdiness and fighting and bone thugs and harmony and Tupac and, you know, loud exhaust on their cars and, and whole base kit systems in their trunks.

And, um, a lot of house parties. Um, a lot of hanging out in areas of town we shouldn't have been hanging out in. I shouldn't have been hanging out in, you get the point. And the interesting thing is like, these people actually accepted me for me. They didn't judge me. They scooped me up, but they weren't necessarily like the best influence.

But also I made the choices I made, so I. It kind of took me down a, a, a, a path I wasn't anticipating. And so I began to experience the consequences of, of my drinking at a very early age. The first consequence I ever [00:10:00] experienced was actually when I was in Marietta, Ohio with my grandmother, who I loved to spend time with.

I would go down there for a whole entire summers and go to church camp, believe it or not, which I was so much fun. And, you know, I met a lot of friends. I would hang out with my cousins. We would run around on the back roads in Marietta and you know, go, go creaking and just like those kind of things.

And. I loved it. But my first consequence was that I met a girl at church camp and we were troublemakers together. Um, and her dad owned a business that had office space above this bar in downtown Marietta. And

at one point we had found this box of like peach schnapps and different kinds of mixers and all, all kinds of stuff that had pretty low alcohol content, [00:11:00] but not when you're, you know, 14 years old. Um, and so we began to get into that and we were smoking cigarettes in that office space. And long story short, we ended up.

Inadvertently having the police show up at her house, the police show up at my grandma's house, because we had caused a little bit of destruction in that place and we had caused a little destruction in that office space.

And boy, the, the disappointment on my grandmother's face that, that look, that my parents had given me so many times of like, what is wrong with you? Or, I don't know what to do with you. Um. I got to experience it from the one, you know, one of those people that I just never would've wanted to be disappointed in me.

And, you know, as I would continue through high school, things just started to get more and more rough. I started hanging out with kids that didn't even go to my school. Kids that were like a decade older than me, um, kids that were really running the streets, think it was my sophomore or my junior [00:12:00] year, there was these two rival gangs.

Some of 'em went to my school and there was this house party and a bunch of stuff went down and one of our friends got stabbed. And, and he died in the Kroger parking lot. And that was a, a, a taste of reality that I wasn't really anticipating. And so at the time in high school, I had this high school sweetheart, my high school boyfriend, you know, and he was the one person that, that made me feel safe.

And, you know, as a group, as a collective, we got through that whole situation, that murder investigation. Um,

and to this day, nobody really knows the truth as to who was responsible. Isn't that crazy? Um, but yeah, I mean that, that man in my life that I. Boy, man, I don't know. He [00:13:00] was 18, he was older than me. Um, really did allow me to start to see that I was worth loving.

But boy, I didn't love myself and I didn't know how to love him in return. And as I usually do, I broke his heart. Not do, I don't usually do that. The old version of me did that. And not on purpose. Definitely a self-worth thing. So moving forward, I ended up, um, you know, graduating high school, I started working at like a Dave and Buster's, like a local game center.

Um, and there I met my first husband who, you know, we were, we were kids and. I was working in a restaurant bar atmosphere, and anybody that's ever been in the service industry, you know what takes place before and after, like, or after work, like everyone goes out and parties, there's all kinds of interesting things happening.

[00:14:00] And that's basically what I did. I said, I'm not gonna go to college. I'm gonna take a year off. I'm gonna figure out who I am. Um, which by the way, I barely graduated high school because my grades sucked so bad because I didn't do any schoolwork. And I often joke like the only reason I graduated high school was because they wanted me to get the hell out of there.

They were sick of me. I don't know if that's true, but it's reasonable to think that that's the truth.

 So, yeah, back to after school, I, I said, all right, I'm gonna take this time off. I'm gonna work, I'm gonna, you know, get to figure out who I am. I'm gonna enjoy quote unquote being an adult because I moved outta my house as soon as I turned 18 in March. I wasn't even graduated from high school. I moved outta my house and moved in with a bunch of dudes, like five O, guys.

And it was a mess because I was like, I'm grown and I don't need you anymore. Which was so untrue. So my decision [00:15:00] making was pretty crappy. But again, I'm gonna keep referring back to I didn't know what I didn't know, and I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. Anyways, back to Dave and Buster.

So I meet this whole crowd, including my first husband. I'm taking this time off between. You know, high school and what's next and what was next that I didn't plan for was I got pregnant. so I have a now almost 24-year-old son, and I had not even the first clue of how to be a mother because I was a child who didn't really have a mother.

But I remember thinking at the time like, this is it. This is me getting the opportunity to have the family that I always longed for. And so my son's father and I got married, we had my son. [00:16:00] I was trying to play house, and it was this make-believe fantasy of what I thought it was gonna be because at the same time.

My active addiction and alcoholism was growing and growing and growing, and I wasn't even 21. My brain was still developing, but yet I had been drinking heavily since I was 14. So really, my brain development was stunted. So I was kind of like a 14-year-old trying to live a grownup life with this baby, and I didn't even know the first thing about it.

And of course, his father and I split up and my struggles got worse and worse and worse. And my son was with me less and less and less because I couldn't be the mother that he needed me to be at the time. he and I have a good relationship now. He is a brilliant child. I. He's a man. He's a [00:17:00] man. Big old beard. it's funny when we're out in public now, um, and if people hear him call me mom, because one, I like to believe I look a little younger than I am. And two, he looks a little older than he is. So it's kind of comical.

But, and also forgive me 'cause I'm gonna be all over the place and this is, um, hard, it's not hard stuff to talk about. I just wanna be mindful of the things that I share, you know. But

I ended up getting to a point where I could only work in bars because I needed to be in an environment where I could support my alcoholism and still make money. so that's what I did.

 After my son's father and I split up, I ended up getting into a relationship with a man who was in the army who ended up getting deployed. This was right after nine 11, and he was a beautiful human being,

[00:18:00] but I didn't know how to be supportive of a, of a soldier who I had no ability to have contact with. And

it was a very challenging time.

And when he left, he was one person. And when he came back, he was a different person. And I know that.

There were some things I did that probably hurt while he was gone. He ended up being gone for what felt like forever. it was around like 16 months or so, I'd say, and boy, I could be wrong. And I was just saying this to a friend yesterday that, you know, when we tell our story, when we talk about things that have happened to us, there's this massive perception issue.

Because the more we evolve, the more we grow, the more our stories change because our relationship with these stories change. And so I often say to people like, I'm [00:19:00] gonna tell you my story the best that I can, but I'm not even a hundred percent sure that it's accurate. Right. Pieces and parts. have likely changed or aren't accurate.

And so, yeah, just bear with me. But while he was gone, I ended up getting into a relationship with a firefighter who again, worshiped me, who I again know that I hurt,  um, as my alcoholism progressed. we would party two, two extremes just like I had shared before, I could really only work in bars because I needed a place to,  um, be able to continue down the road of alcoholism that could support my drinking behavior. But the same thing happened when I started to get involved with other substances So after me and the firefighter broke up, I ended up getting into a relationship with a drug dealer.[00:20:00] 

And I laugh now because it's just like, it's funny, right? Like my best thinking got me into the situations that I was in. Like I was wrecking the lives of people who were actually good for me and would lift me up. But yet indulging in these relationships with people that could only fulfill one thing for me, and that was my addiction.

That was my way to numb all of the pain of all of the things. And boy, I have left some stuff out because there's just stuff I cannot share on here. Um, I'm pretty sure my actual entire AA lead, if you ever wanna hear it, is out in the world. But that's up to you to do research and find it. It has a lot more detail.

Um, so I got in the relationship and when I was with this man was when my mother died [00:21:00] and my mother, unbeknownst to her not even thinking about it, had left me 70 some odd thousand dollars from her life insurance. And for a person who is an active addiction, that is a terrible idea. My brother, who I never mentioned, who is one of my best friends, he is the most. Incredible human being in the, in the world. No kidding. If you know him, you'll agree.

he was responsible, my brother and I could not have been more opposite. I mean, he partied, he got in trouble. He just never got caught. He learned a lot from me. Um, but he wasn't like me. He was responsible with money. Um, when my mother died, he invested his money, bought a condo and like just did all the things while I partied.

I remember looking at the weather channel one day, it's freaking snowing and freezing in Ohio and it was the middle of the night, probably three o'clock in the morning actually. And [00:22:00] we had been up all night and I looked at my boyfriend and I was like, let's get the hell outta here. Let's, I got all this money.

I. Let's just go to where it's warm. And so we did, we packed up our car and we drove down to Florida and we ended up staying in this hotel for weeks, just partying and

living what we thought was our best life. I, the only thing I had to show for that life insurance money was a car that I was able to buy, which actually was my mother's car, but I ended up purchasing it and paying it off, and that was the best investment I made. And the rest went in, in, through my body in whatever capacity it could.

It went in and through my brain to shut down the thinking, to shut down the pain, to shut down the, the denial in my life.

To watch my mother die from alcoholism. To see her turning [00:23:00] yellow to see how big her belly got to see how sad and broken and lonely she was, was very hard. It was hard watching her go through that, but it was also hard because that was gonna be me. That was gonna be me,

and I didn't care. I didn't know how to care. That was my problem. I didn't know how to care. And every time I tried to acknowledge my emotions or my feelings, they felt wrong. They felt inappropriate. They felt selfish. Uh, and a lot of that came from not being really taught how to deal with that stuff.

How to. I embrace my emotions and my feelings. And so eventually that relationship with that man ended on a not good note, as you can [00:24:00] imagine. And then my next best plan was, let me get into a relationship with a cop. Right? Like, okay, so the first fixer helper, the first couple fixer helpers didn't work for me.

They didn't fix me. Then the, the, the drug dealer guy definitely didn't fix me. And so maybe if I get in a relationship with this cop, um, one, it'll keep me outta trouble. Ha. Which is laughable. And then, you know, two, like, well, it was fun. It was. Reckless. I met him when he was on duty. The nature of our relationship was so severely inappropriate that if his department ever knew the things that we did, there's just no way he would still hold the position he has.

I learned after he and I broke up, and this is before I understood critical incident, this is before I understood first responder mental health the way that I do now, but he was in an officer involved shooting two years into his career where [00:25:00] a young man died, where he was taken through the wringer by that family, which I understand.

I can imagine how they were feeling, but to be a law enforcement officer and to know that feeling of it's me or them. I. And that's what you're trained to do. I mean, shit, that's what we're experiencing right now in southern Ohio, in Hamilton, with this crap, with this deputy being killed based on an officer doing what he needed to do.

And it doesn't discount the pain that family must be feeling, but it's just so, the whole thing is so fucking messy. It's so messy.

The point is that man, whom I was crazy about had so many demons and so many double, triple, quadruple lives that he was living, that it just completely demolished me. [00:26:00] It did the, quite the opposite. I became really isolated. I moved into his house away from everybody. That was about 45 minutes away. I was kind of in this like hole.

I tried to go back to school for medical assisting and I actually really loved it. I was so fascinated by the brain and the body and I really liked phlebotomy. I liked to, um, I just like was really interested in anatomy. Um, you know, I was doing the best that I could to try to, um, better my life, which is really challenging when you're in active addiction.

Um, when you're in a relationship that is fake and you're in Denial about it, believing that you are the one out of all of the women. That you're the one which I didn't know about the women necessarily, but I know how we met and. after we broke up, I found out about a lot of other women and a lot of other lives he was living, which broke my heart.

And I'm not justifying it, but now I get it. But [00:27:00] the point is I was trying to better my life and during that time

I was pretty, you know, cut off from my family and from the people that were left. And one day I was at home at my boyfriend's and

there was a knock on the door and I had learned that my little baby brother, this kid that had always been my rock, I call him my baby brother, but he was, he's like my big brother. 'cause he always took care of me. And I learned that he had been in a motorcycle accident that I needed to get to the hospital as quick as possible.

And when I got there, I had learned that this beautiful human being was never gonna walk again. And he was paralyzed from the chest down. his, spinal cord snapped. And where the injury happened, he [00:28:00] would technically be considered a quadriplegic, but he does still have the use of his arms.

But boy, when I learned about that, God, did I make it about me,

about my poor little brother. And that was true, but there was this undertone of selfishness behind it. But it was like, I didn't know what, I didn't know. I didn't, that wasn't my intent, of course. So after my brother's accident, I kind of decided, well, it's up to me. It's up to me to do the right thing to take care of him.

My father, by this point was in Alabama with my stepmother. My mother was gone. the man that was married to my mother, gave my brother a space to live that could accommodate his wheelchair. And so I decided I'm gonna make it right. I'm gonna do the right thing. I'm gonna be the one that takes care of him.

I'm [00:29:00] gonna, uh, be, you know, the big sister that he always deserved, except I couldn't be because I was an active addiction. And I moved in with him. And his girlfriend, which they had split up for a while, and then after his accident they got back together. Now she's his wife. She's lovely, I have a beautiful niece, um, but he essentially took care of me again.

You know, I didn't pay bills, I was just doing terrible things. I was running the roads, running the streets. I was at this point hiding alcohol places, random places, just to maintain my, um, um, dts. I was, um, drinking wine. Wine was my drink of choice by the end. Um,

you know, I was drinking wine in coffee cups, thinking I was hiding it. It was messy. Messy. At one point I had passed out in the middle of the living room floor when my father was in town and my son [00:30:00] was there, and my family was just like, do you need help? And of course, as any good person and active addiction, who was terrified of not having that crutch, as any of of us would say, no, I'm fine.

I'm good. But I knew I was dying. I knew that my body was shutting down. I knew that I couldn't keep on this road of robbing Peter to pay Paul to keep up with my active addiction and putting myself in dangerous situations to keep up with being able to use and drink the way that I needed to. And it was exhausting.

And so finally I hit this wall, and boy, it wasn't me. I didn't actively choose this, this wall, but I was sitting in my car after having gotten into a fight with a [00:31:00] cashier at Target about something that I was trying to return that I had purchased like a long time ago. Um, but I was trying to return it so I could get money 'cause I had no more money.

And it turned into this whole thing and I went off on this lady and I got to my car in the target parking lot and I just heard this voice say, what are you doing? You cannot do this anymore.

And I didn't know where that voice came from because it sure as hell wasn't me. I mean. It wasn't something I consciously had said to myself. anyway, I knew that to be true though. And so in that moment, I got clean from any extra substances that I was doing, not alcohol,

[00:32:00] but because I chose to not go get help, professional help for my addiction because I took the suggestions of friends around me of take these pills to offset the, um, dts to offset the withdrawal symptoms. Um, I accidentally overdosed. And ended up in the hospital, which was actually a very, very good thing for me because I was able to get a lot of stuff outta my system and have the opportunity to begin to get healthy.

The problem was I didn't quit drinking. I didn't think that the drinking was my problem. I thought it was the other stuff. And so my drinking began to really, really ramp up big time. Huge. it was 50 times worse than it ever had been before. at one point I was working out at a bar at the Ohio State campus with a bunch of young kids.

I was like 29 by [00:33:00] then. And these kids were 18, so I was going to like campus parties and all kinds of things, and I had gone to one of these parties and I passed out and I woke up the next day we were at lunch or at breakfast with each other, and I was just looking at these kids and I was like, what am I doing here?

Like, how sad that this is where my life has gone. I lost any schooling that I have because I left school when my brother's accident happened. My choice, of course, I had nothing to show for anything in my life. I'm like partying with a bunch of college kids. I just felt so empty and so gross. I always say like, I just wanted to like scrub my soul with a loofah.

If I could just get in there and give it a good power washing, like ugh. I was just empty and disgusted and miserable and, and dying. [00:34:00] And I went to my car to go back to my brother's and I heard that same voice again saying, you cannot do this anymore. Only this time it was like interruptive and in my face and like, powerful.

You cannot do this anymore. And do you know what I realized, like probably was not even a year ago, I guess it would've been a year ago, I realized that the, both of the times I had that experience in my car.

It was my mom's car. Remember me saying that I bought my mom's car? That was the only responsible thing I did with that life insurance money. Yeah, I was in my mom's car, so call it woo. Call it higher power. Call it God. Call it the ghost of my mother. Call it intuition. Call it whatever the hell you want.

[00:35:00] It was a grander, bigger thing for me than I could have ever explained. And ironically, the week before this happened, I was on a dating app, which of course I had no business being on, but I was on this like free dating app, which is full of nightmare people that you know. It was not good. Uh, um, but I did meet this man on there that I had met after a bar excursion, and he was at a 24 hour restaurant doing schoolwork at like 3:00 AM and I met up with him and we were just talking and I was hammered and I was like, I, you know, I don't have a problem.

It's just that it's just one of those days. You know, it's just one of those things. And interestingly enough, this man was in recovery, like he didn't drink and he was working the program of aa he was like, yeah, okay, whatever you say, but he knows exactly what he's looking at, [00:36:00] right? He's looking at this hot mess, girl.

So wasted, had no business driving, had no business being, you know, out in the middle of the night. But I. I knew very quickly why that person was brought into my life because that morning that, that I, I heard that voice or had that, intuitive thought of, you can't do this anymore. I called him and I said, I don't know what to do, but I need help.

I don't know where to go. Now let me just rewind and tell you that I grew up in AA with my father. I would go to AA meetings all the time. I knew the people there were loving and kind and full of joy and smiles and that that was what I needed in my life. But I needed someone just to kind of guide me along, you know?

And when I called him, he said, I'll be there. And he showed up at my house. And at the time I had a old roommate that was coming into town from Michigan and we were supposed to go out and have a party weekend. We talked about getting [00:37:00] party bus. And when he got to my house, I said. Um, yeah, I'll do this.

I'm, I'm gonna stop drinking. But on Monday after, after this weekend, because I, I owe her, we've had this planned. She's expecting me to come get her and for us to do this. And he looked me dead in the eyes and he goes, do you wanna live? This is about life or death. there is no such thing as, I will do this on Monday because you will not do it on Monday.

You are in a, at a crossroads right now, and you can either do this right now or you are going to die. And it was just the way that he said it and did it, that I, for the first time, since, I can't even remember when, when was just like, I'm gonna have to disappoint some people because I gotta choose me.

Right. And I talk about that too. In a different episode, episode 31, where I show you just a little bit behind my curtain. Not like this episode for God's sake. Whoa. [00:38:00] Um, but I told my friend who also, you know, we were roommates for a while. She knew how we partied. We, we partied together and she was very supportive.

And that man took me to an AA meeting and I ended up, the next day going to another meeting where I asked someone to be my sponsor and walk me through the steps. I was just, in sheer desperation, I was probably as vulnerable as I've ever been asking this woman who was kind of scary, honestly, to be my sponsor and take me through the steps.

And she said yes. And that was the beginning for me, for my recovery. I.

 And I, you know, I had some consequences when I was drinking that, that the courts required me to go to meetings, but this was the first time I was really going for me. But to rewind a little bit, I remember sitting in those rooms when I was court ordered to go to meetings, and I would come home and sob and drink wine and know that I was them, but be so damn terrified [00:39:00] of how do I survive this life without the one thing that I believed was my best friend.

That kept me safe because it allowed me to avoid, it allowed me to not feel, so I got sober. I did most of the things my sponsor suggested that I do. Um. Except for one, which was, there's this kind of like unspoken rule and AA and the world of recovery that you don't get into a relationship in your first year.

But I didn't listen because there was this dark, mysterious man in an AA meeting who I was just enamored by and I wanted to figure him out. And I ended up getting into a relationship with him. And he was a firefighter and he was as, as sick as I was, but with a lot more darkness, as you all know, as I now know.

And so if you want to hear kind of the details of that relationship, go back [00:40:00] episode 31, because I, I get into great detail about that. Um, but I.

I put everything I had into that relationship, I really thought if I could save this man, if I could help him see that love can heal. Which it can in some ways, but not when it comes to the demons that you all experience, to the darkness that we experience as people who are part of a life of addiction.

Um, and so if you know how my story with him ends, he did end up passing away.

I'm still not exactly sure what really happened. I thought I knew, but in the more recent weeks, I have kind of started to question if that was what really happened. Um. But nonetheless, he made some choices and he died. And it [00:41:00] wrecked me. I mean, it ripped my soul out. I remember falling to my knees. I remember that noise I made of just sheer what Jason Warren says, loss of hope, the noise, the sound that a person makes when they have lost hope.

Just the agony and the pain. But you know what? I did something differently this time. It would've been easy to go back and drink, go to my old best friends and cope. But for some reason, the first thought I had was I have got to get to an AA meeting. I have got to get in the middle of the herd with these people who I know are not gonna let me fall.

And I did. And. Lo and behold, somehow my sponsor had gotten notification that this had happened and she was at my door. And also by the grace of God or whoever, I was also not alone. When I got this [00:42:00] information, I had a friend there with me and, um,

so that's what I did. I went to an AA meeting and these people knew him too, and we cried together and they held me up and they lifted me up and they supported me and they loved me until I could come out of this pain, which I don't know that anybody actually ever really comes out of. Right? Like it leaves a massive dent on your soul and on your heart to go through something like that.

And still, whenever April 13th comes around every year. This year is 14 years that he's been gone. I grieve,

my body remembers my brain remembers my emotions. Remember, you know, I grieve and that's okay 'cause that's part of it. But

[00:43:00] interestingly enough, I ended up meeting Cinnamon, who I saw in, um, AA meetings. And I ended up meeting my current husband, we were at a 4th of July party. So think my boyfriend died April 13th and by the 4th of July, we were at a party that my sponsor was having.

There was only a few places to sit at this, this picnic table and down sit cinnamon, who she's told you all before didn't necessarily care for me because of. The story she had about who I was, which were wrong. She was ju judging a book by its cover, if you will. Um, and my husband sat down and, you know, he wasn't a man in uniform in any capacity.

He didn't have a badge. Um, he wasn't the typical man that I would actually like be interested in, but he also was very, very smart and intelligent and funny, and charming, and made me think in ways that I, I had never thought before and, and made me [00:44:00] see how truly important and valuable I am in this world.

And so, me and him and cinnamon became thick as thieves. We were this like threesome that ran around and did everything together. We did book clubs together. We began our, our recovery journey together. And well, you know how the story ends. We ended up, um, a year in, he and I dating, I ended up getting pregnant with our daughter who is now 11.

Um, in 2016, we ended up getting married after his, his, uh, fears subsided about getting a divorce after seeing that it makes made sense. Um, in 2019, after years and years and years of trying to get pregnant again, we got pregnant with our son who is now six and he is. Oh my gosh, he's hilarious. He's brilliant.

Both of my kids are [00:45:00] hilarious. Like my younger kids, well, shit, my oldest kid is hilarious too, which is a family, a, a family of comedians. Um, but they're also smart and loving and fun. Um,

and you know, I

am very, very supported. You know, my husband's the first man I've ever been with who didn't, wasn't skeptical, wasn't jealous, like, has lifted me up. Like it would be so easy for a man to feel insecure with a wife who works, you know, predominantly with men, um, who. In her own way, falls in love with these people.

like, her siblings or something. Because of the passion that I put into each person watching you guys come back to life. And that was the one thing I remembered about my boyfriend before he died was that his, his eyes were like black,

his soul was gone. [00:46:00] And to be able to experience what it's like to watch the light come back on in you all's eyes and like this, like heavy darkness get lifted is so beautiful. You know? And I've spent many of times crying with my husband because of my fear for you guys, or my love for you guys. And um, he has been.

A rock. And it's funny because when we did the, well, let me rewind. He started actually working with a lot of you guys Um, he did AK Dante's rebrand and her website. And because of who she is in this world and people knowing her and seeing what her stuff turned out to look like, and her messaging, how that ended up, people started reaching out to him, um, that are in the first responder world to ask for his support and their websites and their messaging and, and what he does.

And so he's accidentally got involved in the first responder world too, but he [00:47:00] understands this world like vicariously through me He completely rebranded all of whole house, our private practice and our messaging. And he hears my stories day in and day out.

Some he wishes I didn't share with him because I have zero filter and just like, for you guys, it's just another Tuesday for me to share the wild shit that you all experience. To me, it doesn't really phase me. 'cause you know, I hear it all the time, but to him he's like, why would you tell me that anyway?

The point is, I, I said, why don't you come down to the symposium and like get a table meet people, kind of get in the mix. And he, it was hilarious. He's like, I don't wanna cramp your style. I don't wanna be down there in the way. Like, you gotta do your thing. And that's just the person that he is, you know?

Um,

 my life has ended up, I. Beyond what I could have ever imagined.

Erin: The last thing I kind of wanna tell you is like, I, I respect the [00:48:00] fact that there is a lot of active addiction that you all are up against in the world with our communities. A lot of opiate overdoses, a lot of Narcan fatigue, a lot of compassion fatigue, a lot of like, uh, they're just a junkie, right?

I do not wanna go help this guy or gal who just continues to do this to themself. But I want you to understand that it's not an act of choice. We're not actively choosing it. There's so much more going on. I can tell you they don't want to be here. And I can tell you, and Cinnamon has mentioned this in a training before, that if people had given up on me and just seen me as some kind of junkie or alcoholic, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I would be dead. I wouldn't be able to use all of my life's experiences and my pain and my understanding in a deep, deep, deep way to come back as a [00:49:00] chemical dependency counselor, as an integration coach, to be the person that I am today for me, for you, for my family.

 So

I hope that this kind of gives you a little bit of an understanding. Uh, about me.

I hope this gives you a little bit of an understanding about addiction and alcoholism, because here's the thing, I can't ever drink again. I don't want to, uh, because it is pure poison. Like I can't even freaking drink, um, LaCroix or like, you know, seltzer water because my brain automatically thinks it's alcohol because it's like that dry, bubbly like beer.

And my brain's like, what are you doing? Alert. Alert. So I can't even drink that, which is crazy. It just goes to show how our brains work. But

all I know is the person that I was when I was in an active addiction and alcoholism is not who I truly am. And I. [00:50:00] Quite frankly, y'all would not like me 'cause I was an asshole most of the time. Not on purpose. I was just, ugh. Just so miserable. And the alcohol was making me miserable, but also the alcohol wasn't my solution.

So, God, that's a pickle, right? Um, it's also a depressant. Hmm. Wonder why I'm depressed. Can't figure that out. Uh, it also is full of sugar. Can't figure out why I'm fat. Uh, right? Like, what the fuck? Duh. Um,

but I will never drink again. God willing, I'm not immune. It can take a split second. It's a split second decision. But I work every day on keeping my recovery at the forefront. By focusing out, by helping others, by  um, continuously working on my steps by, through prayer and meditation, through cleaning up my side of the street when I mess up, I am very, very quick to make amends and take personal responsibility.

I, cause that's the only way I can live a shame-free [00:51:00] life. That's the only way I can be the beacon for those that I come in contact with. And I know now that despite all the darkest places in the world that I have gone in my body, in my soul, that what I was really the most scared of was this extremely bright light that was within me that was meant to help others.

That felt like a lot of responsibility. Because for a long time I thought that I was a burden and not worthy and too much and

a lost cause,

which now we know I'm not. Clearly, I am here for a reason, and the things that I went through are what make [00:52:00] me the badass that I am. Not to sound arrogant, I know who I am at my core

because people who haven't been through darkness cannot fully understand the depths that the darkness brings. But I've been in the darkness a lot of times. I have experienced trauma. A lot of times things that I have not talked about on this episode and won't, but you can do the math. I'm sure you can figure things out, I'm sure, based on people in your life or yourself even.

I, so I guess what I want to end this way long episode that I never expected to be this long with is Me too. Me too. Y'all, me too. I get it on a human level.[00:53:00] 

All right, do me a favor. One thing I've noticed that we, we don't get a lot of people reaching out to us asking questions or sharing with us. We wanna evolve and grow and, and provide information for you that feels supportive to you. So let me know how this episode landed with you, if you saw yourself and my story at all.

If you have any questions, if, if you need redirected to  um, a facility or a, a clinician or an AA meeting, like reach out. We have so many resources on our resource page too. If you go to after the tones drop.com, there's a whole tab that has all kinds of stuff that can be helpful. But don't be afraid to reach out to us.

We're here. Please tell us what you want. We wanna do [00:54:00] this for you, and we could speculate all day long what the next best episode is for you. But we don't know what you want. I deeply love you all. Please keep showing up for yourself. Please keep showing up for each other. This is a we thing, but you all are taught that it's every man for himself in so many different ways.

Not maybe through words, but through actions. So just know that there is power in community, there is power in what's possible, and the healing through community, through shared experiences, through vulnerability. Just know you're not alone. I love y'all. Stay safe out there. See you soon.

Erin: Thanks for tuning in to today's episode of after the tones drop. We've been bringing you some real mental health insights And we'd love to hear what you think. If you're enjoying this show, take a minute and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform. And don't forget, share this podcast with someone who might benefit from it. A big, thank you to whole house counseling and Nova's home mortgage for sponsoring today's episode. 

And a special shout out to Rob Maccabee for writing and producing our shows. music just a quick reminder. After the tones drop is here for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for medical or psychological advice. If you're in need of help, please reach out to a mental health professional in your area. for more resources. Head over to after the tones drop.com and check out our resources tab. We really appreciate you being a part of this community. Thanks for listening and sharing.